Our destination for the winter is tropical Central America which will include an unplanned journey into North America and an abandoned one into South America.
When travelling to a developing country in another continent I’ll check the travel advice issued by the UK Foreign, Commonwealth and Development Office. There’s nothing alarming there, just the usual ‘Stay aware of your surroundings at all times’ and ‘Attacks cannot be ruled out’ plus advice on a few regions to avoid. In contrast, the US Department of State’s advice for US citizens is thoroughly alarming: ‘Theft, armed robbery, and carjacking are the most common crimes against U.S. citizens. Travellers have experienced carjackings and armed robberies upon leaving the airport. Victims have been violently assaulted when they resisted an attack or refused to give up money or valuables. Pickpockets and purse-snatchers are prevalent in major cities and tourist sites, especially the central market….’ There are pages of this type of thing with the conclusion, ‘Reconsider travel to Guatemala due to crime.’ So I don’t expect to meet many Americans. They do panic. What could possibly go wrong?
I booked an itinerary with a major US airline, United Airlines via Washington DC to Guatemala City. I ticked all the boxes and the United website gave me a big green flag and informed me ‘You’re good to fly.’ But I’m not good at all.
Christmas Day, Heathrow check-in, the United agent asks ‘Do you have your ESTA?’ ‘My what!?’ ‘Your ESTA. Your USA visa?’ ‘But we’re not going to the USA. We’re going to Guatemala with only a transit in Washington. We’re not entering the USA. We’re only transiting.’ ‘It doesn’t matter. You still need an ESTA.’ Admittedly, I haven’t been to, or transited the USA for twenty years but I’ve transited dozens of other countries and a visa is never required unless you actually enter the country. I’ve made the stupid mistake of assuming I don’t need a visa to pass through the States – and the airline never made this clear.
‘How do I get one? How long does it take?’ ‘You’ve got three hours before your flight leaves. The recommended lead time for an ESTA application is 72 hours but we’ve known applications to be processed in a couple of hours. Our service desk will assist you. They cost £25. You can do it yourself or we charge £50.’ We pay the £150.
The application is straightforward but I have that sickening feeling in my stomach as I pace up and down the departure hall for the next hour, considering the annoying implications of two missed flights. I’m regularly checking my email inbox – nothing except an acknowledgement of my application. I meet Jo every few minutes and she’s clearly as anxious as I am but my anxiety is compounded by the fact that I booked the flights, so by implication I should have done all of the ancillary paperwork. Its my fucking fault, but Jo, bless her, hasn’t said so.
Another forty five minutes later there’s another ESTA email which teasingly just states that the status of my ESTA application has changed, please follow this link. What is it? Void? Rejected? Delayed? No, it’s accepted! We’re good to fly.
But United Airlines has more joy to dish out. In a normal world you can check in your baggage to your final destination and just switch flights at your transit airport, in this case Washington DC. But no, in Washington we must disembark, clear immigration, collect our bags, go through the full security check procedure and present our luggage for the next flight.
During the flight I’m asked what I’d like to drink I go for my regulation in-flight Bloody Mary with all the trimmings. The stewardess barks at me, ‘You want liquor you gotta pay.’ ‘How much?’ I ask tentatively, because I feel I’m really putting her to a great deal of trouble here. She doesn’t answer my question and says ‘We don’t accept cards or cash, you have to register online, prior to your flight, to purchase liquor.’ They clearly don’t want me to have my Bloody Mary, This is all too much trouble. ‘Do I have to pay for wine?’ She kind of answers this question by looking at me like I’m an idiot and grunting, ‘You want red or white?’ Happy Christmas to you too.
Flying could be so much more agreeable if the staff weren’t so pissed off with everybody. It’s probably not entirely their fault because they’re beleaguered and poorly trained. I remember the old adage, ‘Never ask a British Airways stewardess for a second glass of wine until she’s good and ready.’ So it’s not a new problem. But I can remember flying British Caledonian Airways to California in the 1980s where I was served with a heartfelt smile and made to feel rather special.
The final joy of this American odyssey awaits us in Washington DC. The queue disembarking the airline is going nowhere. An exasperated, scruffy official is walking down the line towards us saying, ’There’s been a medical emergency in the immigration hall. You will get through but it’s gonna take a long time.‘ After forty minutes we arrive in the hall and the snaking line of arriving passengers is huge. I time our progress and calculate that it will take about three to four hours to reach an immigration officer. Our connecting flight leaves in two hours. There’s a bored and useless looking official in the hall, trying his best to be invisible. After thirty minutes I approach him, ‘We’re going to miss our connecting flight. Can you fast track us?’ He replies in a listless monotone, ‘Why don’t you use the online MPC (Mobile Passport Control) and use that desk over there.’ Where there’s no queue.
I can’t be bothered to thank him. I tell Jo. We keep the information to ourselves till we’ve been through the process, then tell a few very anxious looking travellers about the MPC ruse and breeze through immigration. I’ve read a lot about institutions and service corporations failing miserably in the USA. It’s not even necessary to enter the country to experience it. I’m looking forward to the developing world.
We plan to visit Columbia. I’ve had every vaccination going and I’d checked the jabs required for all the Central American states and stupidly assumed Columbia would be the same. So I didn’t check. But it’s not the same. Look online and lots of resources will inform you that a Yellow Fever vaccination is not required to enter Columbia. But once inside the country you cannot visit great swathes of the place without one. And having visited Columbia you can’t re-enter Guatemala (for our return flight home) without a certified Yellow Fever jab. Simple solution; get a YF vaccination. Ironically I had one about thirty years ago, the proof of which is not digital, just a scribble in a booklet which I’ve left in a safe place somewhere at home. Some sources say it lasts a lifetime, others say ten years. The cost of a YF jab in Guatemala and Mexico is between £130 and £200. It’s very cheap or free in Columbia, but there’s an additional complication. Anyone over sixty could suffer one or two serious side effects of the jab. They won’t vaccinate me in Columbia unless I see a doctor first. I could get a letter of exemption but there seem to be plenty of officials who won’t recognise it. So for now Columbia is off the itinerary, to be visited another year. This one is my screw up too, but I contend that it’s an easy one to make.
For the next stage of our Central American trip please visit Copan Ruinas, Honduras and Antigua, Guatemala.
